At the beginning of this year, I wrote a blog post about what I wanted for 2019. The overarching theme of the post was the word "grace". I wanted to have grace for myself. I wanted more grace for others. I wanted to better understand God's grace for us. I decided my word of 2019 was going to be "grace", and boy did God show up.
I initially intended to make this post about my word of the year for 2020. However, I don't have one yet. I have several words that I am trying to boil down to one. With that said, though, I feel like I have something more important to share. I want to talk about the idea of not being good enough. I've seen this idea strongly in my life. I've seen it manifest itself in a million different ways for a lot of different people. I've seen it affect so many close friends. I've seen it cause a chain reaction of spiraling self-deprication that lasted for years and years. This is why "grace" was my 2019 word. All I wanted was to gain at least a little bit of confidence that I was good enough as I was. I wanted to receive the truths that I had been desperately trying to etch into my brain for the past 5 years. God did me one better. On Good Friday of this year, I had finally received the truth of my worth as a child of God. It wasn't anything I did - it wasn't anything I possibly could have done. God shook my spirit and and matched it with His. I had finally understood how valuable I am to God. I finally understood that my worth is equivalent to the price that was paid for me - the price was Jesus. It had finally clicked that when I take away my relationships, my academic successes, my career successes, my works, and everything else, God looks at me and sees me as someone who is worthy of sending His son to die for. I am worthy of that as I am, only because of His grace. No failure or success here on earth can affect the unchangeable worth that the Lord has set in stone for me. At last, I had received the truth, and it gave me peace. Unexplainable peace. Now let me say, since that Good Friday, I have experienced a lot of things that used to trigger those feelings of worthlessness. I have experienced those thoughts coming back and have been tempted to sink into the old lies I once believed. However, not once did I sink. Each time those triggers came, God reminded me of His truth, and each time it brought back that unexplainable peace. It brings me to tears thinking about it, which is why I am sharing all of this so vulnerably. I lived my high school years actually avoiding mirrors because I hated what I saw. I buried myself in distraction after distraction so that I wouldn't have to face my self-hatred. I had panic attack after panic attack from how disgusted I was with myself, and I missed countless plans in fear of having more. I amplified every little thing about myself and picked myself apart until I was withered down to nothing. Even through college, I shoved these feelings down and distracted myself for years because I was so scared of facing my worst enemy - me. I can honestly say that the girl described above never believed for a second that she would ever see the value in herself. I never thought that I would be able to tell myself that I am worthy of life and believe it. I truly did not think that it was something I could ever do. But God did. So, I'm writing this as a desperate plea to someone out there who can't seem to find your worth. You know that you have worth, but the constant lies you have believed for so long drag you back to the bottom of the pit. You, who has a hard time finding the light at the end of this dark and prolonged series of draining lies. You, who feel like a time will never come when you can say the words "I am worthy" and feel them too. I'm begging you, dig up those feelings. Bring God into it. What is in darkness must be made visible so that it can then become light. God will turn your shame and your fear into light if you will only invite Him in and make it visible. I wish I had a detailed step-by-step for you, but here's a couple of things I would encourage you to do if you have struggled with similar feelings. 1. Bring people in. Bring in a mentor, a counselor, a trusted friend, wise council. Have conversations about what you are feeling. Bring it into the light. 2. Get to the root. Dig up your past experiences. Ask yourself hard questions. Figure out where you have put your identity, and why you put your identity there. Pour out the old wine so there is room for the new. 3. Give yourself grace. Your soul is at war. The spirit that lives in you is at war with the lies of the flesh that exist in your human nature. God is the one working in your spirit fighting the battles for you, but that doesn't mean it feels easy. This is difficult stuff, let it be difficult. It's not cute. It's not pretty. It's not poetic. But it's necessary. Know that the battle is already won. Let yourself feel what you feel, but don't give into the lies. Don't give them the power. To wrap this up, I want you to know that the feelings of "not good enough" are not only unique to you. You are not alone in them. I hope that this can be a little bit of hope and encouragement to you that God will do what we think is impossible. He will overdeliver. He did. I'm not saying everything is picture perfect, but in the matter of a moment, God completely disassembled and destroyed lies that ran deep in my soul for over a decade. He will do the same for you. If you are struggling, please message me. Don't hesitate to ask me more questions about my experiences or just tell me about yours. Burdens are lifted when we lean on one another - please don't take this burden on alone. Here's to another year of a faithful God. Here's to another year of receiving new truths. Here's to the new adventures we will have and experiences we will never see coming. Here's to 2020.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |