Wow has it been a while. Hello blog, nice to see you again.
I wanted to make this post for a while but it just kept escaping me. I've never touched on this topic before but it's something that I've dealt with for as long as I can remember. I never felt like it was a big enough deal, but I've seen the way that it affects my life every day, so I finally was able to call it what it is: chronic pain. God is Sovereign Over Both the Mental and the Physical Chronic pain is something that more people deal with than don't. A large majority of friends struggle with chronic pain, whether from a car accident, sports injury, or from something genetic. The reason I'm writing, though, isn't to show how many people suffer with chronic pain, but to remind you (and myself) that Jesus is in the physical sufferings too. As someone who has dealt with mental illness for years (I'd argue that it's been most of my life), I've had a long journey of surrendering my mental health to God. I still struggle to do so, but I am an eternity further than I started out with. However, something I've never really put into God's hands fully is my physical health. I always assumed that the things wrong with me physically were my fault and that I could fix it with the help of doctors, medication, and enough google searches. I kept putting the burden of my physical pain on myself to fix, and that can be exhausting both mentally and for the physical body. My Chronic Pain Background As a quick background, I've had back pain since about the 4th grade (what can I say, I'm an early bloomer). It was definitely not consistent until college, but it was there every once in a while. Fast forward to now, at age 24, and there's never a day that goes by where my back isn't in pain; it's been this way for about 5 years. When the pain flares up, it causes stabbing pain in my lower back and is so bad it makes me walk with a limp (or struggle to walk at all). It's worse at night when I pretty much have to sleep like a mummy because I can't move my body (I wish I could sleepwalk to ease the stiffness, but alas). If I sit the wrong way, the pain spikes. If I move in a way that I shouldn't, the pain spikes. Because of so much going on in my lower back, my mid-back is now constantly achy as well. All this being consistent and with varying levels of pain throughout the day. On top of this I also have a wide array of very frustrating GI issues. We won't go into too much detail, but my stomach is hardly ever in a state where it's not in pain. Every GI professional has attributed it to IBS, but if you have GI issues, you know that this is the diagnosis for 99.9% of stomach problems, so there isn't much guidance there. I have to take consistent Naproxen for my back pain, which (you guessed it) ALSO causes stomach issues. It's a vicious cycle that I have found myself quite familiar with. I'm not looking for a diagnosis or medical advice from writing this (trust me I've heard it all). I'm writing this because it was only recently that I truly began bringing my chronic pain to God. For a long time I simply prayed for it to go away and tried negotiating with God to ease my back pain. (Reminder that if there's one thing that's unnecessary when we talk to God, it's negotiating. He doesn't work that way). But in the last month or so as I was laying in bed with both intense back and stomach pain, I considered that the goal may not be to be healed or have the pain taken away. So I began to pray differently. Surrendering Physical Pain to Jesus I took Jesus' lead from his prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane: "And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” - Matthew 26:39 I started to ask God "if it's not your will to heal this pain, use it to further your Kingdom and teach me to suffer well". I prayed this over and over again in my pain. It didn't immediately fix the pain (that wasn't the goal), but it gave purpose to the pain (Bingo! There it is). The more I prayed for God to use my pain somehow, the less the burden came on me to fix it. Of course there are logical things I do to help manage the pain - stretching, exercise, anti-inflammatories, heat, ice, etc. I 110% believe that God has supplied professionals with knowledge, skills, and experiences to help in these aspects, and I trust them. However, I don't do these things for my body anymore without first acknowledging that God is still sovereign over it all. My flesh and my physicality is not dependent on Naproxen (although I am VERY grateful for Naproxen), it's dependent on God, as is everything else. Finding Joy Within Chronic Pain The way that scripture encourages us in pain and suffering is clear; "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope," - Romans 5:3-4 By "rejoicing in sufferings", Paul does not insist that we jump up and down at the chance to suffer. Paul knows first-hand how debilitating it can feel to go through suffering. To rejoice in suffering translates to having JOY in suffering. Joy is not a feeling or an emotion - it is a state of living and a fruit of the Spirit that lives in us. Joy in suffering is knowing that there is a greater hope and purpose within the suffering, and keeping our eyes on that hope rather than our pain. With this knowledge, I decided that even in my worst pain, I can have joy. God gives me joy, freely and without strings attached. The more I prayed to suffer well, the more God revealed to me that there is joy even in pain and that He has a purpose for my pain on this Earth. Here are a few ways I've been able to practice seeing the joy within chronic pain:
I hope some of these thoughts are able to help you start or continue your journey on fighting chronic pain. Chronic pain is no joke and the weight of it can feel so heavy and exhausting. But Jesus takes our burdens and makes them light; He gives us hope within our pain so that we have the strength to move forward. My encouragement to you is to do what is best for your body, whether that be physical therapy, nutrition changes, medication, or surgery. The Lord is with you in those things. But as you use the resources you have been blessed with, make sure to still surrender your pain to God's hands. Know that this is all temporary. And if you don't have a relationship with Jesus or are wanting to get back to a relationship with Him, I'd love to walk through that journey with you. He desperately wants you to know Him and share in the hope that He provides to those who love Him. Life is never easy for anyone, but a relationship with Jesus creates purpose for the now, and hope for eternity. Wherever you are at in your relationship with Jesus, I'd love to encourage you if you need it. Until next time, Maddie
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Happy Easter Weekend! Just a few (long) thoughts:
There's always a lot of back and forth about very detailed and minuscule topics within scripture and I think sometimes in an effort to understand more, we forget the foundations on which our whole faith is based: The Gospel. In short, there is a God - THE God - who created everything on the earth. He formed us as his greatest and most treasured creation. He provides a perfect love. He provides not only security in who we are as His creation but He provides us an eternity in Heaven with Him. No pain. No suffering. No disease. No illness. No separation. Complete and utter perfection - the way He intended for the world to be. He shows us His love for us by allowing us to share in His perfection. He has done this through Jesus. Jesus came to the earth, born of a virgin - a miracle from the beginning. He lived a perfectly sinless life as 100% man and 100% God. Sin used to separate God from man, but God loves us so much that He wanted to have this bridge for a relationship with us, so He sent Jesus to be the ultimate and final sacrifice. Jesus, having done no wrong, was beaten, shamed, humiliated, tortured, and crucified by those who claimed to follow God. He died the most painful death, and then rose again three days later - fulfilling what God had promised us from the beginning. He took that pain, that suffering, that should have been ours for eternity, and He gave us a gift that is incomparable beyond words. We now have the ability to have a personal relationship with God - our creator, Father, and the One who loves us deeper than anyone we will ever know. No sacrifice needed, all we have to do is come to Him. It's relationship over religion. Now, the media, politicians, and even churches can twist this beautiful message into something so wicked. They twist it into a means to judge. A means to shame. A means to do everything that Jesus spoke against as He was on earth. Jesus, who spent time with the Samaritan woman whom the whole town shamed. Who told her AND so many other women in scripture to share some of His most pivotal truths with the world. Jesus, who accepted, loved, and healed those that not even the high priests would dare to look at. Jesus, who brought in those who were exiled to not belong anywhere, and showed them that they belong with Him. Jesus, who threw man-made religious traditions out the window for the sake of sharing the truth of our Father. This Jesus, who loved, understood, and accepted all, is the same Jesus who wants to come into your life and walk by your side today. He shows us his life as a gracious example of what this life is about - Loving God and loving others. Now, I admit - there are things I don't understand. Looking at the evil that runs rampant in the world often makes me wonder, "God, what are you doing here? Why are we still here?". It's not bad to have questions, God wants your tough questions. But what I do understand is that God is good, and He is faithful, and He has always kept His promises. He promises those who love Him an eternity with Him forever, and that is the true HOPE of the world. The hope of the world isn't in our country's leaders or in our favorite celebrities - Our hope is that God wants and has better for all of us. He desperately loves us and that is such a gift. The reason we get to love one another is because He perfectly loved us first. And that is why we celebrate Easter. Not to debate theological nuances and fight one another on who is right and who is wrong, but to celebrate that we all get to share in the perfect gift given to us through Jesus. So, I'm all jazzed up this Easter weekend. As a reminder, love your people. Love the people who others won't love. Stand up for the weak and brokenhearted. And rather than spending the weekend in a heated twitter argument, make Easter about Jesus. There is often a sinking feeling that comes with being in the middle of something difficult. There are different ways to describe that feeling, but I like to call it "the pit". When we are in the pit, it's hard to see a way out. We are so focused on the dirt and the mess around us, that we forget to look up and see that there's light. We can feel like we're being buried under the weight of the earth, and the pressure can keep us from lifting our eyes up toward God. Each "pit" in our lives can be of different depths, but what they all have in common is that, eventually, there is hope. In order to see that hope, we have to practice changing our perspective from the sludge to the sun. To battle that sinking feeling that comes in the midst of trials, here are 3 ways to gain that perspective.
1. Focus only on your next move Many times, we feel stuck in our own "pit" because the path to the light seems to far to manage. When we are already in an overwhelmed state, walking toward that hope can seem too difficult. In these situations, it's important to focus on your next move - only your next move. If you can't get motivated for the day, the next move is to get out of bed. If you have a mile-long to do list, the next move is to start one thing. If you can't bear holding onto a burden any longer, the next move is to tell one person. Every small step that we take is one step closer to that hope. The closer we get to that hope, the more we believe that the hope is something we will eventually feel. Smaller steps lead to greater distance, and slowly we realize that we are moving farther out of the pit than we thought we could. Scripture says, "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" (Psalm 119:105). Think about this verse as literally as you can. If a lamp is only on your feet, you only see far enough to take the next step or two. If all you have to light your path is a lamp, it will show you where to step next, but you won't be able to see that far ahead. This metaphor is quite intentional. Through His word, God shows us exactly what we need to see at the time we need to see it, and He has His timing down better than we ever will. With that said, sometimes all we can muster is our very next step. Lucky for us, that's all God ever asks of us - to trust Him in the very next step. 2. What is in your control and out of your control? One of my biggest downfalls when it comes to being in the pit is my need to have control of everything. It's very similar to the way we want to be able to jump past the next step and see a mile up ahead of us. The reality of that, though, is sometimes things need to get a little muddier before they get better. If we had the ability to see everything that was up ahead, chances are likely it wouldn't look pretty and our fear would paralyze us and keep us from moving forward. This is what usually happens when we try and take control of everything around us: we overthink, we play out a million scenarios that won't happen, we try to fix everything before it's even broken, and we hold onto this control that we think we have, but actually don't. My restless need for control only ever leads to asking myself one question - who are you trusting? The question brings a pang to my chest because, usually, when I ask it, the answer is not God. It's one of those "calling myself out" questions. However, it leads to humility by causing us to stop and think about whether we are trusting God's timing or trusting our own. Why would we make a better plan than the creator of the sun and the skies? Why would we think we know better than the One who intricately created every piece of us? Why would we want to follow our own plan that we blindly create, when God has a plan based on 20/20 vision of our past, present, and future? When you're in the pit, ask yourself those hard questions. Reflect on what is actually in your control at the moment, and take prayerful steps toward that. Everything else, let go of the best you can, and trust that God has the control. Take the pressure off of yourself to handle everything, and let God lead you into what He has prepared for you. 3. Let Yourself Be This is one of my favorite pieces of advice for when I am stuck in the pit. Yes, it is important to take steps forward and try to keep moving. However, sometimes our body and our spirit just need a chance to be still and rest wherever we are. It's a matter of changing our perspective on the pit itself and reminding ourselves that it's okay to be where we are. Fighting our way out of the pit can emotionally and physically exhaust us, and it's important to let our body rest when we need it. Know that your pit isn't time sensitive. If you take a break and just let yourself feel what you need to feel, God will still be there with you tomorrow. It's okay to admit that you're sitting in a pit, and it's okay to acknowledge the difficult emotions that come with it. As long as you approach this by saying "I'm in a pit, and I'm tired today, but this won't last forever and God will meet me where I am tomorrow", you can allow the pressure to rise off of you for a moment and just be still. "Be still and know that I am God". Think of the first part - Be still. It's okay to sit still with yourself and with God. Slowing down gives us a chance to validate ourselves emotionally and encourage ourselves spiritually. It's okay to be still for a moment. Now, think of the second part - Know that I am God. The first part cannot exist healthily without the second part. The benefit of being still is that it gives us a chance to remember who is in control of it all. It gives us a chance to reflect on whether or not we trust Him, and it allows us to pull Him closer than we ever have before. Being still reminds us that our strength comes from the Lord and only the Lord. This gives us the ability to march on, if only one step further. I'll close with this encouragement from James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." When we face trials and walk through "the pit", it can feel so unnecessary while we go through it. Let scripture remind you that we become more like Jesus through these trials. We produce the most perseverance and faith during some of the most difficult seasons of our lives. Speak that truth to yourself in the pit, and let it encourage you to keep moving forward. One day, you will be able to look back and see all the mud, vines, and branches God led you through, and your new perspective will show you that you have more strength than you ever thought you'd have. First off, I want to tell you that you are not alone. This is not a "man" issue, it's a sin issue, and I promise you that a lot more women are struggling/have struggled with the very same thing. You are not gross or dirty because you struggle with this. You are not the first woman to ever feel like she has no place to speak up because the church has pegged this as a man's problem. In fact, it's shown that one-third of women watch porn. And I honestly would bet that it's even more than that. You have every right to bring this to the light and push it out of the darkness, and you can heal from this.
Second, this isn't a post that is going to beat around the bush or water down porn addiction. As someone who struggled for years, and is still fighting the good fight, I'm tired of leaders and writers and speakers not talking about porn for what it is. This post isn't going to tell you to just pray more to stop being tempted and I'm not going to act like fighting this is going to be easy. It's exhausting and it's a battle. However, I am here to display the words of another woman, just like you, who has battled the porn struggle. I feel led to write the words I have heard and the things I have learned since the beginning of my healing process, so that you can not feel so alone and hopeless - as this particular issue causes one to feel. SHAME AND GRACE To begin, I want to talk about a very important topic - grace and forgiveness. If you're anything like I was when I was trapped in my struggle with porn, you feel ashamed, guilty, and probably disgusting. On top of these immensely strong feelings, you also probably feel alone, because this isn't a topic that a lot of women feel comfortable talking about. So I want to remind you of one very important thing. God sees you entirely. He sees your best qualities. He sees all of your sin. He has the entire picture in the palm of his hand. Yet, he still looks at you with an unconditional love and sees you as someone worth sending Jesus to die for. Yes, even now! With all your mistakes and shortcomings, he still looks at you and glows at his greatest creation. You may feel dirty and shameful, but he looks at you and he sees Jesus. Shame has been with us from the very first sin. This is why it feels so prominent and strong each time we feel it. As Adam took a bite of that fruit, his and Eve's true nature was revealed, and the first thing they felt was shame. They wanted to cover up and hide from God. It makes sense that the shame gives us an overwhelming feeling of guilt and a natural instinct to hide - to never tell anyone about our struggle and to fight it ourselves. This shame is exactly what the enemy wants us to feel. What is kept in darkness continues to live in darkness, but what is brought to the light then becomes light. Once something becomes light, it no longer belongs to the enemy, it belongs to the Lord. The Gospel crushes our shame. The Gospel reminds us that we are not defined by our sin, we are defined by the one who sacrificed his son to take it away. And if our identity is in what God says about us, we repent and we are CLEAN. We are wonderfully made in the image of our creator and we are loved beyond measure, even in the midst of our darkest hours. THE PROBLEM WITH PORN Now, I'll admit when you look at the world's opinion of watching porn, you will likely be told that it's okay to explore your sexuality. That it's healthy as a women to look at your options to know what you want out of your sex life. However, watching porn and using that as your example for what love and sexuality looks like is an immensely unhealthy and unrealistic way to view your relationships. All I ever knew about porn was that it was bad for me to watch. That's it. That's all anyone ever told me; they didn't give me reasons or long-lasting effects. They just said that God doesn't like it so we shouldn't do it. This lack of knowledge is what gives young girls even more of a temptation to look into it out of sheer curiosity. Curiosity turns into fascination, fascination turns into a habit, a habit turns into an addiction. Here are some reasons, other than just "it's sinful", on why porn is harmful to us and our relationships. First, it's true that God created sex. It's meant to be pleasurable and it's meant to be a gift. However, the only way to experience the gift in the way it's created is to enjoy it within the borders of what it's created for; marriage. Now, the reason it's created for marriage is because sex and physical intimacy create an intense bond between two people. It's created to bring you and your spouse closer together in a way that you can't experience with anyone else in any other way. This is the purpose of physical intimacy in general. With that said, when you consume porn and take part in watching, and even reading, it - you are forming a mental and physical bond with a random person on the other side of that screen or those words. A mere figment of your imagination. This isn't just through specifically pornographic films, this is done through literature, Netflix films, and TV shows. Soft-core porn is being displayed with easy access all over our TV screens and is being marketed as harmless entertainment. Young adult novels get more explicit as time goes on, and they have a similar effect. Porn is not just the videos on sketchy websites, it's everywhere. On top of that, you are numbing your mind to things like physical aggression and assault, which are showcased in 88% of pornographic films. The more you expose yourself to the self-seeking and self-pleasurable side of sex, the more you begin to be okay with the notion that sex is purely for the self and the person your are being intimate with is nothing but an object for self pleasure. Porn is exclusively dehumanizing and objectifying of both men and women. THE PORN AND SEX TRAFFICKING INDUSTRIES Let's discuss the connection between porn and the sex trafficking industry. Simply put, one does not exist without the other. The very basis of sex trafficking claims that humans are nothing but object to be used for pleasure. This industry makes a profit off of selling human bodies as nothing more than sex toys. Although, we know no one is over here fighting on behalf of the sex trafficking industry, so we'll move on. On a similar hand, the porn industry profits off of the dehumanization and objectification of people, using them as nothing more than sexual objects created for someone else's selfish pleasure. Sound familiar? Not only that, but much of the porn that is viewed on the internet are videos of actual sex trafficking victims. There are no legal precautions in place or systems to hold porn sites accountable for what or who they post. Sex trafficking victims spend their lives in bondage, exploited without consent for the entire internet to see - and even when they escape they live with the knowledge that their abuse and torture still lives on sites like PornHub. Click here for more info on that Did you also know, that PornHub does not have a system in place to control the ages of the people posted on it? That means traffickers are free to take videos of minors and young children being exploited and post them as they wish with no consequences. This is the reality of the porn industry. Sex traffickers fuel the porn industry, and the porn industry reinforces the very basis that sex traffickers stand on. It's a harmful, belittling, and dangerous cycle. Now, I'm not giving you this information to scare you or shame you. I'm giving you this as a tactical reason to know why porn is harmful and why it's something we should fight against. It's more than just a sin issue, it's something that has long-lasting effects on ourselves, our relationships, and the world. It warps our idea of sex and love, and those new ideas linger in the back of our minds, heavily impacting our relationships and perspective of others. HELPFUL TACTICS IN THE FIGHT We're down to my last main point. An addiction to porn functions as any other addiction does. Similar to drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and others, the more you watch porn the more you crave it and the harder it is to stop. You can form a dependance on it, and each time you give in, a surge of dopamine is released and it chemically causes pleasure. Don't belittle it as something you can just stop - give yourself the grace of knowing that it is just as difficult a thing to stop as any other addiction. With that said, there are real-life tactics to stopping the ongoing track of this. First, please bring it to the light. Telling even one person you trust is one of the most difficult but powerful parts of the process. Once it's brought to the light, the enemy can no longer have a hold on it. Your chains start to break, and you are free. The problem will still be there, but you will be free from the bondage of it. For that person, ask them to hold you accountable. Whether that's meeting with them once a week to talk about how you're doing or them texting you every so often to check on you. This is extremely important, especially at the beginning of the healing process. It reminds you more frequently that there is a reason you want to fight this, and it gives you accountability and encouragement that you can come to the other side of this. As far as things that I'd encourage you to practice, limit the things you watch and spend your time on. Learn what triggers the temptation and stay away from it. It's okay to skip through a scene in a movie or not watch a popular TV show because of the content in it. Make that choice for yourself and your well-being, and make those boundaries. It's so much easier to avoid temptation when you're not knowingly walking into it. I also suggest taking the steps to get out of whatever place you feel tempted. As soon as you have that thought, drive to a coffee shop. Go to your favorite restaurant. FaceTime a friend. Distract yourself and get yourself out of the situation you're in. If you know that being home alone is what does it, make plans with people and limit that alone time. If boredom triggers it, think of different ways you can entertain yourself so that you are limiting the amount of times you can be tempted. I've had days where I have had to straight up leave my house to go for a 30 minute drive for no reason other than to escape temptation. Another truth is that we are heavily influenced by what we spend our time on. The more time you spend with God, in prayer and in scripture, the less you will want to give in to temptation. Our Spirit is fueled by God, and when our Spirit is being fulfilled through scripture we typically will desire the things of this world less - especially sin. It's hard to stay disciplined, but as much as you can, form a routine of spending time with God. Whether that's reading your favorite book of the Bible, listening to worship music, or going on a walk and just praying, the more time we spend with God the less time we crave with the world. Lastly, know that you have a Spirit that is factually stronger than your flesh. Your flesh is what causes you to fall into temptation and it's what causes you to choose your human nature over your Spirit. However, remember that the same Spirit that is in us is the very Spirit that Jesus had. The Holy Spirit is a gift that advocates on our behalf and allows us to be closer to God than we could without it. That Spirit has the strength and power of Jesus, so why would we think that our measly flesh is stronger than that. Sometimes when I feel tempted, I have to say out loud "my Spirit is stronger than my flesh, I can say no to this". It's cheesy, but that declaration is powerful. Know that you have that ability. I want to close this by saying how proud I am of you for taking on the good fight. Every inch you step out of the bondage of porn is means for celebration, and God is celebrating you every step of the way. This is not an easy battle, but you can fight it. Some weeks are harder than others. Some weeks you see victory and others you don't. Give yourself grace and accept the grace that comes from the Father. He has compassion for you. Remember that he looks at you, and sees someone worth sending Jesus to die for. You are still his greatest treasure and his most wonderful creation. Never let your sin struggle diminish the identity that God has already instilled in you, you are more than this struggle. I know this was long, but I hope it helped in any way shape or form. Whether you learned something that you didn't know before, or you feel comforted that someone else has struggled with the same thing - take what you need from this post. As always, message or comment if you want to talk. You can win this fight. Here are some additional resources about porn and the effects of porn:
We're getting all up in our feels today, ladies and gentlemen. Although, if you know me, that's not anything out of the ordinary. As someone who feels EVERYTHING very deeply and is relatively self-aware of those feelings, I am a huge advocate for letting your emotions free. I believe that emotions are something the God gives us and uses to bring us closer to him. Jesus felt deep emotion, Job felt deep emotion, David felt deep emotion - there are countless examples in scripture of believers experiencing hard emotions. Whether it's grief, sorrow, overwhelmed, misery, worn out, troubled, etc., we can find people in scripture who feel the same things we do.
When I was first fighting with anxiety and was feeling these deep emotions that I couldn't even understand, I was in a place where I fully gave in to those emotions and depended on them to tell me truth. On the other hand, I eventually got to a place where I was repressing my emotions and tried to avoid listening to them at all. I've lived through both instances, and have learned that the healthiest place is somewhere in the middle. To expand, here are some myths that I have whole-heartedly believed about emotion. 1. My emotions determine who I am This was the first side of the spectrum where I was consistently giving in to my feelings and regarding them as truth. If I felt anxious, I was my anxiety. If I felt upset, I was that emotion. Whatever I temporarily felt at the time became the permanent reality in my mind. This mindset is so dangerous, because most of our emotions are just that - temporary. They have no authority in giving us our identity because they don't stay around consistently enough to do that. Emotions come and go in waves, and when we look to them as our only source of truth, we create a false understanding of our own identity. You are not your feelings, no matter how powerful they seem. You are an intricately created and emotionally complex child of God, and He sent Jesus to conquer sin so that He could have a personal relationship with you. THAT is where your identity comes from - anything else is just the ebb and flow of life here on earth. 2. My emotions are only manipulating me On the other side, I have also repressed emotion in favor of not letting the above happen. For so long, I was consistently told that feelings are not truth. While this has truth to it, the connotation of the words led me to believe that my emotions were against me. They were just there for me to fight against. As a result, I pushed them down and constantly fought against them. This only accomplished two things - it invalidated my natural emotions, and it caused me to put a lot more pressure on myself to be in complete control of the way I was feeling. When we tell ourselves that we don't need to feel things because they aren't true, it develops a fear of showing authentic emotion. We start to experience toxic optimism because we become afraid of the uncomfortable feelings. It prevents us from having a healthy relationship with our own emotions, and it puts our feelings entirely in our own hands - which we physically can't control. Between the unrealistic pressure to filter what we can/can't feel and the unrealistic pressure to control those feelings ourselves, it leads to a very toxic relationship with ourselves and our feelings. 3. I should feel certain emotions and not feel others Something I have started to try recently is getting rid of "good" and "bad" emotions. I have stopped labeling my feelings, and just allow myself to feel them. This perspective on emotion has caused an enormous shift in how I deal with my own feelings. When we acknowledge an emotion as "bad", there is an immediate pressure to get rid of it or stop feeling it. However, sometimes you just can't get rid of feelings - trust me, I've tried. Sometimes you have to acknowledge it for what it is. This may sound cheesy, but here's an example of what that looks like for me, personally: "Oh, hi anxiety. You're here. You're uncomfortable, but that's okay. I know you, you're familiar. This isn't new, you're just here. You won't stay here forever, but for now I can exist with you there." This conversation with yourself may look different than mine, but the concept is to accept your emotions for what they are. Stop trying to gate-keep what emotions you can feel, and look at every emotion for what it is - another amazing way God gives us to remember how much we need Him. What I've learned is that we don't need to worship our emotions or hold them to a standard of truth. Our emotions can lead us astray if we try to make sense of them without the Spirit. But, accept your emotions and feel them. We have been given such a wide spectrum of emotions to feel, and those emotions are meant to bring us closer to God. Listen to your emotions, and let them live with you for however long they need to. To properly heal and grow out of a time of difficulty, we need to be able to healthily acknowledge what we are healing/growing from. As another encouragement, look at Matthew 26:36-39. 36 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”39 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” When Jesus was in Gethsemane, knowing the sacrifice he was about to make, he prayed. Not only did he pray, he was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. I don't know about you but that sounds like a pretty heavy emotion to me. Jesus felt sorrowful and troubled, he knows what that feels like. However, look at the end of verse 39 - "Yet not as I will, but as you will". Jesus felt sorrowful and he was troubled, but he let those emotions bring him to the Father. He acknowledged what he was feeling, and he did not submit to those feelings, but he brought them to his Father. Allow yourself to do the same. Feel whatever the emotions are and allow yourself to experience them, and then bring them to the foot of the cross. Allow your fear to show you how much you need to trust God. Allow your emptiness to lead you to the fulfillment of Christ. Allow your troubled moments to show you how much you, and others, need God's grace. To close, part of your process will be experiencing a lot of different emotions. They aren't always fun or enjoyable, but they can always bring us closer to the Lord. Through that, we will be able to see growth in the middle of the process, and that growth will encourage us to push through and see hope at the end of it. Let yourself feel what you need to feel, and know that these emotions are temporary. It won't make the process go faster, but it may make it just a little bit easier. I don't know if you know anything about the Enneagram, but I am an Enneagram 2. Now, that means a lot of things, but in a few words it means that I want to fix everyone else's problems and push off my own. This also means it is usually extremely hard for me to bring people into my process. I always figure that my trials come in second place to whatever anyone else is dealing with, so I should just shove them down and not bring them up.
This has caused me, in more cases than one, to go through things alone. I struggled with watching porn for years before I felt like it was okay to let someone in. I thought I had to fix the problem myself before I could tell anyone because if I told them while I was going through it, it would just be too shameful. I struggled with depressive episodes for months before acknowledging or sharing what was happening. I didn't even quite understand what I was experiencing, so how did I expect anyone else to. I thought "once I figure everything out, then I'll talk to someone". What would our communities and friendships look like, though, if we chose to talk about our trials while they are happening? What if we decided that it's okay to say, "I feel like I'm in a pit that I can't get out of, and I don't know where to go from here". What if we brought our friends, family, mentors, and community into our process with us? As an Enneagram 2, I can already guess how many of you may feel about that. I've said it and I have let it keep me isolated before: "I don't want to be a burden onto other people by telling them my problems". Sweet child, I am here to tell you right now - you are not a burden. Even your worst days, lowest moments, and ugliest truths do not make you a burden. You are intricately made and deeply seen, with magnificent and heavy emotions that fall on an infinite spectrum - all of which are valid, and none of which you need to apologize for. What we go through can feel like a burden, but you, loved child of God, are not a burden. I hope you can receive that truth (see the quote at the end). On another note, the feeling of burden comes with a feeling of responsibility. When we bring friends into the trials of our lives, the point is for them to walk alongside us, pray for us, and support us while we are going through it. There never needs to be an expectation on the other person to say some magic words or snap their fingers to fix it - that unrealistic expectation is what causes the burden. With that said, remember that we have been created for community: Galatians 6:2 says "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." this does not mean, put all your problems on another person to solve. It brings light to the fact that when we let others into our process, the burden feels lighter. Even more so, when we bring each other back to Christ and bring our burdens to Him, our yoke becomes easy and our burden becomes light. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says "Two are better than one, because they have good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him - a threefold cord is not quickly broken" James 5:16 says to "confess your sins to one another and pray for one another." Psalm 133:1 says "Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity." 1 John 1:7 says "But if we walk in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin." There are so many more, but the point is we weren't created to do life alone. We were created to live in community - in all the good, the bad, and the ugly. What is kept in darkness stays in the darkness, but what is brought to the light becomes light (Ephesians 5:11-14). Bring your process into the light so that it can become light. Don't be afraid of bringing people into your process. It's going to be dirty and it's not going to be fun - but it's a whole lot easier than going through the process on your own. In fact, it's an integral part of changing the way we view our walk with God. Showing vulnerability allows others to see that they aren't alone in their feelings and in their trials. It allows others to feel comfortable in the fact that they aren't quite okay right now, but one day they will be. It causes a chain reaction, where more and more people come together and decide to stop feigning perfection and start displaying the reality of life - to talk about the hills and the valleys. I hope this can encourage you to let someone into whatever process you are in right now. Whether it's a battle for contentment, struggling through transition, or fighting with the same beast you've been fighting for years, I hope you can find grace for where you are in your process. It's okay to not be okay. The first step to being okay with being in the process is to rewire the way we view trials and struggle. To stop fighting to push away the struggle, and, instead, ride through the struggle, knowing fruitfulness will come from it. To accept the process, and be okay with not being okay.
In this day in age, with social media, instant gratification, and endless access to everyone's business, there is more pressure than ever to paint ourselves as if we have it all together. Can I tell you the truth, though? NO ONE has it all together. Social media has created this world where we can filter and sort through our lives to only show the pretty parts. Everyone chooses what they want people to see. Imperfect people watch other imperfect people post perfect lives, which causes those imperfect people to post more perfect lives, and the cycle continues. No one really knows anyone anymore. As a society, we have never been so connected, yet we have never been so isolated. Now, it's okay to post cute pictures and have fun on Instagram. However, because of this, it's almost become taboo to talk about trials. It's become abnormal to show vulnerability and let others know that we aren't okay. People only talk about the trials once the ugly parts are over, and, in turn, we have made a habit of hiding those ugly parts away. This leaves us to walk through the trials alone, with an extra layer of guilt or shame added on top of it. It's time we stop looking at trials as something to hide, and it's time we start looking at them for what they are - just a part of life. In fact, they are an integral part of life. Scripture says to count it all joy as we meet trials, for it produces perseverance. How are we to produce that perseverance if we are refusing to walk through our trials? One of my favorite songs in the world is New Wine by Hillsong Worship. I remind myself of the lyrics when I am feeling crushed by the weight of the trials. In the crushing, in the pressing, you are making new wine. In the soil I now surrender, you are breaking new ground. On a related note, two pieces of scripture come to mind when I sing these lyrics. The first is the parable of the wineskin in Matthew 9:17. "Neither is new wine put into old wineskins. If it is, the skins burst and the wine is spilled and the skins are destroyed. But the new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved." The second is in 2 Corinthians 4:7-10. "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." To put these two in perspective, I'm gonna drop a little winery knowledge on you. The only reason I know this is from a message from my college ministry, I know nothing about wine making. Essentially, when wine is fermented, gases are created and the old wineskin expands. Old wineskin is not as fresh or elastic as new wineskin, so as the new wine comes in, the old wineskin expands until it can't hold anymore and it bursts. Where this applies to us, is that we cannot be filling ourselves with new wine (AKA walking with Jesus) and still be holding onto our Old Wineskins (old habits and ways of living). As we walk with Christ, we become dead to our old selves and grow into the new life that was given to us (Ephesians 4:17-24). That is where this analogy of the new wine in the old wineskin comes from. When we go through trials and feel the crushing and the pressing, scripture reminds us that persevering through it produces fruitfulness. Walking through trials leads us further and further into the new life Jesus died for us to have. Notice how I said "walking through" - not jumping over, repressing, or pushing away. We must sit in our trials and go through the pressing of the process in order to truly receive the fruit that comes from it. When we look at the process as something ugly and imperfect, it leads us to believe that the process is something to hide. It leads us to believe that we are on our own for this part, and that no one ever actually feels the same way we do. However, if we start to view the process as pulling the weeds to make room for better things, it starts to look like something much more hopeful. It begins to look like a part of the narrative, rather than hidden background information. Something to be okay with sharing, even while we are in it. I know that viewing trials this way has helped me gain perspective when I am in the process myself. It allows me to be still and know that it's okay to not feel okay. It doesn't fix the situation, it doesn't make the lump in my throat or the heaviness in my chest go away - but it does provide grace for the moment. Sometimes, a moment of grace for ourselves can make all the difference. I hope that this was able to encourage you to stand firm through whatever trials you are facing, and to be okay with being in that process. The next post in this series is going to be about letting people into your process, and I am excited to dive into what God intended for community to look like through that. Hi friends!
Over the past few months, God has been showing me a lot about sitting in my emotions. He has shown me the benefit of being still and riding the waves as best I can, rather than pressuring myself to calm them. Sitting in the process, rather than rushing it. This has led to what I call "peace in the process". Peace in the Process: The knowledge that it is okay not to feel okay. Sitting in the midst of your trial and seeing hope that things will get better, even if they really suck right now. As I sat with this feeling of unexplainable peace, I began to reflect on how I have never been okay with being in the process. Maybe it was my own struggle to give myself grace, or maybe it was the world I grew up in. Regardless, if something was wrong, it needed to be fixed then and there. The process was not a friend of mine. I think a lot of us live that way, though. There is extreme pressure to solve the issue and very little grace for the process that comes with it. In my experience, this happens because people don't often talk about their mountains until they are over them. The typical mantra is: I can talk about my anxiety now that I've learned how to live with it, I can speak up about my addiction because I have recovered from it, I can discuss my trauma because I have figured out how to cope with it. Everyone seems to feel like they have to solve the problem before they can bring anyone else in to it. What would our lives look like, though, if we chose to talk about our trials while they are happening? What if we decided that it's okay to say, "I feel like I'm in a pit that I can't get out of, and I don't know where to go from here". What if we brought our friends, family, mentors, and community into our process with us? In this series, I want to emphasize that it's okay to talk about our process while we are in it. I want to dig deeper into the purpose of trials and persevering through them, rather than trying to push them away. I want to encourage more vulnerability in friend groups, families, and churches. I want to normalize talking about the ugly things while we are in them. I want to talk about how it's okay to not be okay. Sometimes we just need to be okay with being in the process. I haven't written on this blog since December of 2019, and a lot has happened. As we all know, 2020 is turning out to be quite a show - more like a dumpster fire. As a brief introduction, let me update you on some of the things I have been doing since the first flame began.
Feel free to take any of my suggestions as things to do, and give me more as well because I have so much time. Speaking of time, working from home since March and having been furloughed since the beginning of June has given me A LOT of time. This sounds good initially, but for someone who fights with anxiety and depression, it's been a long and difficult battle. That is the bigger purpose of this post. To be vulnerable and explain the ugly parts of the past few months that have, for the most part, stayed behind closed doors. If you have read my previous posts (or know me personally) you know that I fight with anxiety and I have for a long time. This quarantine has been difficult for a lot of people who struggle with the same thing. I've been at home, by myself, all day for months with nothing but time to let my thoughts spiral into a full blown panic. If this sounds familiar to you, I hope you know that you are not alone in experiencing this. Some may not understand the difficulty that comes with a ton of time off like this, but plenty of others do. You aren't crazy, and the particular circumstance isn't permanent - although it feels like it will be. A new thing that has become more prominent in my daily life are depressive symptoms. Days in a row where it's nearly impossible to get myself out of bed, inability to set goals for the future simply because I can't care anymore, feelings of hopelessness - like this is my life now and it's never going to go away, and a lot of guilt for feeling all of these things. I never realized just how much purpose my job gave to me, and having it slow down to such an extent really shook me. It's still shaking me. And a third thing - something which I have never talked about on here, nor have I talked about with most people. Something I have only recently been open about and beginning to have freedom from. Porn addiction. This had been a problem for me since middle school, but it wasn't until Sophomore year of college that I understood how deep the problem went. Years of guilt and shame building up that went ignored until the Lord wouldn't let it shackle me any longer. I've been open about it and healing since Fall of 2018, and I have improved tremendously in the physical and mental struggle with it. Although it may no longer be a full-fledged addiction, being home alone 24/7 with no accountability for months has made the temptation come back with a vengeance, and it has been a difficult time resisting. The reason I want to bring up that third topic is because I have seen how many women in the church struggle with porn addiction. I know, personally, the particular shame that comes with sexual sin in women. "It's a man's problem". It's easy and expected for men to talk about but taboo for women, leaving us feeling shamed and unable to confess our struggle. It's not a "man's problem" - it's a sin problem. When we leave the matter in the darkness, it continues to be held in the hands of the enemy, but whatever is brought to light becomes light. I'm writing this because if there is anyone reading this who has this burden on their heart, I am begging you please talk to me about it, or talk to a trusted mentor/friend. You are absolutely not alone and the enemy does not deserve to shackle you and make you sit in that shame any longer. You can have freedom, but freedom begins by bringing that sin out of darkness and into the light. This is a long post, because I am just now getting to the point of it. The reason I am writing this post is to encourage anyone like me, who is in a season of being attacked and torn down by the enemy. I have been going to counseling again for a couple months now, and yesterday my counselor made me realize how far I have come in both my anxiety and porn addiction. I had been so trapped in the current season and how prominent things were, that I hadn't taken the time to look back through my whole journey and see just how far I have come. When I first began to struggle with anxiety, I would let the thoughts rule my whole day, no matter what. I would go to school with headphones in to try and distract myself as much as possible, and when I began to spiral I would go to the bathroom to have a panic attack in the middle of the day. I would cancel plans because of fear that I was going to have a panic attack, and I had never felt more alone in my struggle. I didn't know what was happening and all I knew from church is that I was supposed to "be anxious for nothing". (This is true but there's more to it than the surface level concept). I used the internet and my love for bands and concerts to escape. It was either distraction or panic mode, no in-between. Now I have learned to remain in the present and sit with anxiety. When it comes, I no longer allow myself to continue spiraling because I know what is happening. I know anxiety and it's emotional response well, I sit in it and let it be. When the lies flood in, I combat them with truth in scripture. I think about the things that are true, lovely, pure, right, noble, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. I turn to gratefulness through gritted teeth - our God gives us so much to be thankful for when we feel like there is nothing. I don't let that particular moment of anxiety rule my day or determine my identity - it's just a moment. And sometimes, a little distraction is all it takes. A FaceTime with a friend, my favorite movie, listening to those same bands from high school - sometimes I just need that little distraction, and that's okay too. My journey and my struggle is in no way over, and many days do not go as smoothly as mentioned above, but I've learned to be okay with the hills and valleys. It's all just eb and flow. When I was first exposed to pornographic material, it was new and exciting to me. When it became something I was regularly exposing myself to, I would think about it often, no matter how distracted or busy I was. I would have plans with friends and ache to go home to give into the temptation. I would be at school and the thoughts would roll in and I would be eager to get home to give in. I used to plan moments in the day when I would go out of my way to watch it. It was only yesterday that my counselor made me realize how far I have come in this. Not only, since then, have I confessed and brought my sin to the light, but even the physical temptation looks different now. I actively avoid watching particular shows and movies to fend off incoming temptation. I don't feel ashamed about looking away from a sex scene on TV because I know what I need to do to continue on this road to freedom. I no longer think about it when I'm with people or when I am actively doing something else. The temptation and decision to give in comes impulsively with boredom and free time. It's no longer something that hovers the way that it used to. It's still there, and I am still fighting a fight every day, but looking at the big picture makes me realize how far I have come. I am not proud of where I have been, but I am proud to say that I am no longer walking in that darkness and am graciously learning how to fight the good fight so that I can experience the new life I have been given. If you are still here by now, thank you, I know this is long. I don't just write all this to talk about me and my problems - I write to hopefully encourage someone. I write to show that walking with God does not make you perfect and it does not make life instantly easy. I write to show real life struggles that aren't as pretty as the motivational Instagram posts or Pinterest quotes. I write the ugly so that I can also write about how God takes the ugly and turns it into something beautiful. God relishes in our progress. He loves small beginnings because he can see where they lead us. He uses our struggle to help and aid others, and He longs to see us walking in the freedom that comes with. If you have felt like the past few months have absolutely wrecked you, I encourage you to take a step back and look at how far you have come. Allow yourself to see the bigger picture, and celebrate the small victories that come with healing and recovery. Learn to be okay with the hills and valleys, and know that the valleys don't take away any of the triumph that comes with the hills. Most of all, see God's grace and mercy in your journey, and notice how He never left your side - even if you left Him for a while. He loves us with the greatest of loves, and He shows it consistently. With all of that to say, I would love to message or talk to anyone who feels like this time has been particularly hard. My inbox, DM, and text messages are always open. Sincerely, me At the beginning of this year, I wrote a blog post about what I wanted for 2019. The overarching theme of the post was the word "grace". I wanted to have grace for myself. I wanted more grace for others. I wanted to better understand God's grace for us. I decided my word of 2019 was going to be "grace", and boy did God show up.
I initially intended to make this post about my word of the year for 2020. However, I don't have one yet. I have several words that I am trying to boil down to one. With that said, though, I feel like I have something more important to share. I want to talk about the idea of not being good enough. I've seen this idea strongly in my life. I've seen it manifest itself in a million different ways for a lot of different people. I've seen it affect so many close friends. I've seen it cause a chain reaction of spiraling self-deprication that lasted for years and years. This is why "grace" was my 2019 word. All I wanted was to gain at least a little bit of confidence that I was good enough as I was. I wanted to receive the truths that I had been desperately trying to etch into my brain for the past 5 years. God did me one better. On Good Friday of this year, I had finally received the truth of my worth as a child of God. It wasn't anything I did - it wasn't anything I possibly could have done. God shook my spirit and and matched it with His. I had finally understood how valuable I am to God. I finally understood that my worth is equivalent to the price that was paid for me - the price was Jesus. It had finally clicked that when I take away my relationships, my academic successes, my career successes, my works, and everything else, God looks at me and sees me as someone who is worthy of sending His son to die for. I am worthy of that as I am, only because of His grace. No failure or success here on earth can affect the unchangeable worth that the Lord has set in stone for me. At last, I had received the truth, and it gave me peace. Unexplainable peace. Now let me say, since that Good Friday, I have experienced a lot of things that used to trigger those feelings of worthlessness. I have experienced those thoughts coming back and have been tempted to sink into the old lies I once believed. However, not once did I sink. Each time those triggers came, God reminded me of His truth, and each time it brought back that unexplainable peace. It brings me to tears thinking about it, which is why I am sharing all of this so vulnerably. I lived my high school years actually avoiding mirrors because I hated what I saw. I buried myself in distraction after distraction so that I wouldn't have to face my self-hatred. I had panic attack after panic attack from how disgusted I was with myself, and I missed countless plans in fear of having more. I amplified every little thing about myself and picked myself apart until I was withered down to nothing. Even through college, I shoved these feelings down and distracted myself for years because I was so scared of facing my worst enemy - me. I can honestly say that the girl described above never believed for a second that she would ever see the value in herself. I never thought that I would be able to tell myself that I am worthy of life and believe it. I truly did not think that it was something I could ever do. But God did. So, I'm writing this as a desperate plea to someone out there who can't seem to find your worth. You know that you have worth, but the constant lies you have believed for so long drag you back to the bottom of the pit. You, who has a hard time finding the light at the end of this dark and prolonged series of draining lies. You, who feel like a time will never come when you can say the words "I am worthy" and feel them too. I'm begging you, dig up those feelings. Bring God into it. What is in darkness must be made visible so that it can then become light. God will turn your shame and your fear into light if you will only invite Him in and make it visible. I wish I had a detailed step-by-step for you, but here's a couple of things I would encourage you to do if you have struggled with similar feelings. 1. Bring people in. Bring in a mentor, a counselor, a trusted friend, wise council. Have conversations about what you are feeling. Bring it into the light. 2. Get to the root. Dig up your past experiences. Ask yourself hard questions. Figure out where you have put your identity, and why you put your identity there. Pour out the old wine so there is room for the new. 3. Give yourself grace. Your soul is at war. The spirit that lives in you is at war with the lies of the flesh that exist in your human nature. God is the one working in your spirit fighting the battles for you, but that doesn't mean it feels easy. This is difficult stuff, let it be difficult. It's not cute. It's not pretty. It's not poetic. But it's necessary. Know that the battle is already won. Let yourself feel what you feel, but don't give into the lies. Don't give them the power. To wrap this up, I want you to know that the feelings of "not good enough" are not only unique to you. You are not alone in them. I hope that this can be a little bit of hope and encouragement to you that God will do what we think is impossible. He will overdeliver. He did. I'm not saying everything is picture perfect, but in the matter of a moment, God completely disassembled and destroyed lies that ran deep in my soul for over a decade. He will do the same for you. If you are struggling, please message me. Don't hesitate to ask me more questions about my experiences or just tell me about yours. Burdens are lifted when we lean on one another - please don't take this burden on alone. Here's to another year of a faithful God. Here's to another year of receiving new truths. Here's to the new adventures we will have and experiences we will never see coming. Here's to 2020. |