First off, I want to tell you that you are not alone. This is not a "man" issue, it's a sin issue, and I promise you that a lot more women are struggling/have struggled with the very same thing. You are not gross or dirty because you struggle with this. You are not the first woman to ever feel like she has no place to speak up because the church has pegged this as a man's problem. In fact, it's shown that one-third of women watch porn. And I honestly would bet that it's even more than that. You have every right to bring this to the light and push it out of the darkness, and you can heal from this.
Second, this isn't a post that is going to beat around the bush or water down porn addiction. As someone who struggled for years, and is still fighting the good fight, I'm tired of leaders and writers and speakers not talking about porn for what it is. This post isn't going to tell you to just pray more to stop being tempted and I'm not going to act like fighting this is going to be easy. It's exhausting and it's a battle. However, I am here to display the words of another woman, just like you, who has battled the porn struggle. I feel led to write the words I have heard and the things I have learned since the beginning of my healing process, so that you can not feel so alone and hopeless - as this particular issue causes one to feel. SHAME AND GRACE To begin, I want to talk about a very important topic - grace and forgiveness. If you're anything like I was when I was trapped in my struggle with porn, you feel ashamed, guilty, and probably disgusting. On top of these immensely strong feelings, you also probably feel alone, because this isn't a topic that a lot of women feel comfortable talking about. So I want to remind you of one very important thing. God sees you entirely. He sees your best qualities. He sees all of your sin. He has the entire picture in the palm of his hand. Yet, he still looks at you with an unconditional love and sees you as someone worth sending Jesus to die for. Yes, even now! With all your mistakes and shortcomings, he still looks at you and glows at his greatest creation. You may feel dirty and shameful, but he looks at you and he sees Jesus. Shame has been with us from the very first sin. This is why it feels so prominent and strong each time we feel it. As Adam took a bite of that fruit, his and Eve's true nature was revealed, and the first thing they felt was shame. They wanted to cover up and hide from God. It makes sense that the shame gives us an overwhelming feeling of guilt and a natural instinct to hide - to never tell anyone about our struggle and to fight it ourselves. This shame is exactly what the enemy wants us to feel. What is kept in darkness continues to live in darkness, but what is brought to the light then becomes light. Once something becomes light, it no longer belongs to the enemy, it belongs to the Lord. The Gospel crushes our shame. The Gospel reminds us that we are not defined by our sin, we are defined by the one who sacrificed his son to take it away. And if our identity is in what God says about us, we repent and we are CLEAN. We are wonderfully made in the image of our creator and we are loved beyond measure, even in the midst of our darkest hours. THE PROBLEM WITH PORN Now, I'll admit when you look at the world's opinion of watching porn, you will likely be told that it's okay to explore your sexuality. That it's healthy as a women to look at your options to know what you want out of your sex life. However, watching porn and using that as your example for what love and sexuality looks like is an immensely unhealthy and unrealistic way to view your relationships. All I ever knew about porn was that it was bad for me to watch. That's it. That's all anyone ever told me; they didn't give me reasons or long-lasting effects. They just said that God doesn't like it so we shouldn't do it. This lack of knowledge is what gives young girls even more of a temptation to look into it out of sheer curiosity. Curiosity turns into fascination, fascination turns into a habit, a habit turns into an addiction. Here are some reasons, other than just "it's sinful", on why porn is harmful to us and our relationships. First, it's true that God created sex. It's meant to be pleasurable and it's meant to be a gift. However, the only way to experience the gift in the way it's created is to enjoy it within the borders of what it's created for; marriage. Now, the reason it's created for marriage is because sex and physical intimacy create an intense bond between two people. It's created to bring you and your spouse closer together in a way that you can't experience with anyone else in any other way. This is the purpose of physical intimacy in general. With that said, when you consume porn and take part in watching, and even reading, it - you are forming a mental and physical bond with a random person on the other side of that screen or those words. A mere figment of your imagination. This isn't just through specifically pornographic films, this is done through literature, Netflix films, and TV shows. Soft-core porn is being displayed with easy access all over our TV screens and is being marketed as harmless entertainment. Young adult novels get more explicit as time goes on, and they have a similar effect. Porn is not just the videos on sketchy websites, it's everywhere. On top of that, you are numbing your mind to things like physical aggression and assault, which are showcased in 88% of pornographic films. The more you expose yourself to the self-seeking and self-pleasurable side of sex, the more you begin to be okay with the notion that sex is purely for the self and the person your are being intimate with is nothing but an object for self pleasure. Porn is exclusively dehumanizing and objectifying of both men and women. THE PORN AND SEX TRAFFICKING INDUSTRIES Let's discuss the connection between porn and the sex trafficking industry. Simply put, one does not exist without the other. The very basis of sex trafficking claims that humans are nothing but object to be used for pleasure. This industry makes a profit off of selling human bodies as nothing more than sex toys. Although, we know no one is over here fighting on behalf of the sex trafficking industry, so we'll move on. On a similar hand, the porn industry profits off of the dehumanization and objectification of people, using them as nothing more than sexual objects created for someone else's selfish pleasure. Sound familiar? Not only that, but much of the porn that is viewed on the internet are videos of actual sex trafficking victims. There are no legal precautions in place or systems to hold porn sites accountable for what or who they post. Sex trafficking victims spend their lives in bondage, exploited without consent for the entire internet to see - and even when they escape they live with the knowledge that their abuse and torture still lives on sites like PornHub. Click here for more info on that Did you also know, that PornHub does not have a system in place to control the ages of the people posted on it? That means traffickers are free to take videos of minors and young children being exploited and post them as they wish with no consequences. This is the reality of the porn industry. Sex traffickers fuel the porn industry, and the porn industry reinforces the very basis that sex traffickers stand on. It's a harmful, belittling, and dangerous cycle. Now, I'm not giving you this information to scare you or shame you. I'm giving you this as a tactical reason to know why porn is harmful and why it's something we should fight against. It's more than just a sin issue, it's something that has long-lasting effects on ourselves, our relationships, and the world. It warps our idea of sex and love, and those new ideas linger in the back of our minds, heavily impacting our relationships and perspective of others. HELPFUL TACTICS IN THE FIGHT We're down to my last main point. An addiction to porn functions as any other addiction does. Similar to drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and others, the more you watch porn the more you crave it and the harder it is to stop. You can form a dependance on it, and each time you give in, a surge of dopamine is released and it chemically causes pleasure. Don't belittle it as something you can just stop - give yourself the grace of knowing that it is just as difficult a thing to stop as any other addiction. With that said, there are real-life tactics to stopping the ongoing track of this. First, please bring it to the light. Telling even one person you trust is one of the most difficult but powerful parts of the process. Once it's brought to the light, the enemy can no longer have a hold on it. Your chains start to break, and you are free. The problem will still be there, but you will be free from the bondage of it. For that person, ask them to hold you accountable. Whether that's meeting with them once a week to talk about how you're doing or them texting you every so often to check on you. This is extremely important, especially at the beginning of the healing process. It reminds you more frequently that there is a reason you want to fight this, and it gives you accountability and encouragement that you can come to the other side of this. As far as things that I'd encourage you to practice, limit the things you watch and spend your time on. Learn what triggers the temptation and stay away from it. It's okay to skip through a scene in a movie or not watch a popular TV show because of the content in it. Make that choice for yourself and your well-being, and make those boundaries. It's so much easier to avoid temptation when you're not knowingly walking into it. I also suggest taking the steps to get out of whatever place you feel tempted. As soon as you have that thought, drive to a coffee shop. Go to your favorite restaurant. FaceTime a friend. Distract yourself and get yourself out of the situation you're in. If you know that being home alone is what does it, make plans with people and limit that alone time. If boredom triggers it, think of different ways you can entertain yourself so that you are limiting the amount of times you can be tempted. I've had days where I have had to straight up leave my house to go for a 30 minute drive for no reason other than to escape temptation. Another truth is that we are heavily influenced by what we spend our time on. The more time you spend with God, in prayer and in scripture, the less you will want to give in to temptation. Our Spirit is fueled by God, and when our Spirit is being fulfilled through scripture we typically will desire the things of this world less - especially sin. It's hard to stay disciplined, but as much as you can, form a routine of spending time with God. Whether that's reading your favorite book of the Bible, listening to worship music, or going on a walk and just praying, the more time we spend with God the less time we crave with the world. Lastly, know that you have a Spirit that is factually stronger than your flesh. Your flesh is what causes you to fall into temptation and it's what causes you to choose your human nature over your Spirit. However, remember that the same Spirit that is in us is the very Spirit that Jesus had. The Holy Spirit is a gift that advocates on our behalf and allows us to be closer to God than we could without it. That Spirit has the strength and power of Jesus, so why would we think that our measly flesh is stronger than that. Sometimes when I feel tempted, I have to say out loud "my Spirit is stronger than my flesh, I can say no to this". It's cheesy, but that declaration is powerful. Know that you have that ability. I want to close this by saying how proud I am of you for taking on the good fight. Every inch you step out of the bondage of porn is means for celebration, and God is celebrating you every step of the way. This is not an easy battle, but you can fight it. Some weeks are harder than others. Some weeks you see victory and others you don't. Give yourself grace and accept the grace that comes from the Father. He has compassion for you. Remember that he looks at you, and sees someone worth sending Jesus to die for. You are still his greatest treasure and his most wonderful creation. Never let your sin struggle diminish the identity that God has already instilled in you, you are more than this struggle. I know this was long, but I hope it helped in any way shape or form. Whether you learned something that you didn't know before, or you feel comforted that someone else has struggled with the same thing - take what you need from this post. As always, message or comment if you want to talk. You can win this fight. Here are some additional resources about porn and the effects of porn:
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